


Eudice

by I_Smell_Rates



Series: Eudice Eusyram [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Mary Sue, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-18
Updated: 2012-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26429845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Smell_Rates/pseuds/I_Smell_Rates
Summary: Every franchise is getting rebooted these days, even dumb Mary Sue parodies from seven years ago.Originally posted on FictionAlley in 2012.
Relationships: Luna Lovegood/Draco Malfoy
Series: Eudice Eusyram [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922371





	Eudice

"Welcome to Hogwarts," said Professor Dumbledore, who was very strange. "Since this is a reboot, we're going to pretend the other entries in this series never happened and pander to new readers while hopefully drawing in the nonexistent fans of the original."

"That's a smart plan," commented Hermione, who was very smart.

Suddenly, an incredibly incredibly gorgeous woman walked into the Great Hall! She was American and the rest of the usual description was cut in order to be more modern and "edgy", pissing off the nonexistent original fans.

"This is Eudice Eusyram," explained Dumbledore, who was very strange. "She is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and, as far as anyone reading this knows, a completely new character who has not previously appeared in any fanfiction stories."

"You will call me 'Professor Eusyram' instead of addressing me by my first name," said Eudice, making the story different and more "realistic", and sending the nonexistent original fans into a foaming rage.

"Wow, Professor Eusyram is such an incredibly gorgeous person whom I've never met before!" said Harry, who stays male in this new continuity because that plot development was stupid.

The next day, everyone went to their Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Suddenly, Eudice walked into the classroom completely naked! Eudice randomly went around naked from time to time because an immature teenage author thought that was funny seven years ago. Nevertheless, this aspect of the character couldn't be changed because it was too deeply entrenched. The nonexistent original fans were angered by the sight of this newfangled imposter doing Eudice's "thing".

"Today I'll teach you about the methods of rationality," said Eudice, ripping off a recent popular fanfic in a cheap attempt to keep this ancient franchise relevant. "I'll divide you into three armies headed by Harry, Draco, and Hermione."

"Surely you can't be serious!" gasped Ron.

"Go fuck yourself," said Eudice, avoiding the expected line and being randomly "edgy". The nonexistent original fans started screaming. Meanwhile, all the remaining new readers clicked the "back" button, having failed to get one in-joke too many.

"She's the best teacher ever!" declared Dean Thomas as the class walked into Potions.

"Who?!" demanded Snape, who was "morally complex" in this new continuity rather than just evil.

"Eudice Eusyram!" shouted Ron. "We all love her so much because she's perfect!"

Later on, Snape sat alone in his dreary office. He was jealous of Eudice, but didn't really want to hurt her because he was misunderstood instead of just evil. This made the story more realistic and complex.

"I want to get back at Eudice, but not in a way which would really hurt her," said Snape, who was not really evil. "I'll take some Phreneticus Potion, which impairs self-control and judgment, and put it in her pumpkin juice. This will embarrass her, but not really hurt her so I don't have to be evil to do it!"

At dinner in the Great Hall, Eudice stood up and began speaking to everyone.

"I'd like to introduce you all to my daughter Eurydice," she said. "She'll be staying here while I'm teaching."

Eurydice walked into the room. She was ten years old, which completely wrecked the continuity of some story no one cares about. This further angered the nonexistent original fans, who inaccurately remembered the original stories as having perfect continuity.

"Wow, she's so cute!" said Harry, who was still male. "I love her like a father," he added, making an in-joke which didn't make any sense in the actual context.

While everyone was distracted by Eurydice's incredible cuteness, Snape decided to pour his Phreneticus Potion into Eudice's pumpkin juice. However, just as he was about to pour it out, she grabbed his hand without looking and stopped him because she was perfect. Everyone gasped!

For absolutely no reason, Draco and Luna randomly ran off to have sex with each other. This was not funny, but an immature teenage author thought it was seven years ago.

"Do you have a problem with me?" demanded in Eudice in a tough voice, showing that she wasn't going to be some damsel in distress in this new continuity. This ignored the fact that she was never a damsel in distress in the first place.

"It's not what it looks like!" Snape lied because he was sort of bad but not really evil.

"If you have a problem with me, why don't we settle it with a fight?" asked Eudice. Everyone gasped at how tough she was!

"I thought she was some damsel in distress, but I guess I was wrong," said Ron in surprise.

"I'll do that," said Snape, who was not really evil, "because I have a sense of honor due to not being really evil." Everyone gasped. They had all thought Snape was evil, but actually it turned out that he was just sort of bad!

"I accept," said Eudice in a tough voice because she was touch. "And I'll fight you with... clothes on!" Everyone gasped! The nonexistent original fans began whining about their childhoods being raped.

Eudice and Snape walked up to each other in front of everyone. Eudice was wearing clothes!

"I'm not going to make some kind of sexist comment because I'm not really evil," said Snape, who was not really evil.

They fought each other in a fair way which was still very cool and epic! Eudice won, of course, because she was perfect and a genius when it came to everything.

"By beating me, you have shown me the way!" said Snape. "I'll be good and nice all the time now. Ten million points to Gryffindor!"

Everyone cheered. And then the story got no reviews because Mary Sue parodies only get lots of reviews when they involve misspellings, emo things, and an author who pretends it was serious.


End file.
